At times, it has felt like the carnival ride from Sandlot...you want to get off, you need to get off, but you have to wait until its over. I would say I have metaphorically puked several times and now I am just waiting for the ride to come to a complete stop.
Now that both boys are in school I have people asking me what I am doing with my time. A valid question, but one that I don't always answer truthfully (because I've realized through this that what I see as good and part of the battle others see as sad). It's the idea of being Debbie Downer from the Saturday Night Live skits that I try to avoid. But, I'll be honest here...I cry.
Everyday the boys have had school I cry and it's healing. Crying is good, I like to cry because it is necessary and not everyone accepts sharing in sorrow or tears. Usually what inspires the tears are replaying the past 3 years in my mind and being able to see almost the whole picture or watching the boys joyfully run into the school doors together.
The boys couldn't be more different...filling out school forms for Ben is so simple and for Ev I needed more space than what was provided and have talked to the school nurse for 40+ minutes on a care plan. The ying and yang of these boys is insane. Yet they are such good friends.
Everett is in kindergarten and Ben is in second grade. This morning when I dropped them off we counted how many days are left of treatment. There's only 40 days left of chemo meds! (This realization was the source of my tears today, or at least for the morning.)
Tomorrow is Ev's last spinal tap. Then he will have one more clinic visit in September...oral chemo meds stop October 1 and by Halloween his port will be out.
And, he asked if he could be a zombie this morning...except he meant for real and not just for dress up. The kid thinks it's cool to die and come back to life. WOW! So, spiritual speaking, I completely agree. And, then in some ways he already is a zombie...he came close to death, but here he is alive and well...making us laugh and love. I love how kids think!
Soon we will be on a path that will move us all forward and no longer will we sit and wait on what the moment or day will bring. This is exciting for all of us!
Everett has no idea what it's like to be healthy and I am overwhelmed in a great way to watch him slowly heal and surprise himself as he tries new things. I thought that so much of our joy was taken from us because of cancer, but I know now that we are lucky, fortunate and blessed to have faced such darkness only to see the light so much brighter and clearer. Some of the joys I dreamt of didn't happen and I honestly have mourned them. But, now the joys we have are so much richer. I would be lying if I wasn't grateful for that.
...And, thank you to all of you who have continued to check in with us, send us messages or kept us in your prayers. We've needed every bit of all of you to make it through. I appreciate what every single person has done in their various roles...it all blesses and it is all important.
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| June 2013 |
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| July 2016 |
