When I think about it we have all needed our own hideouts in this process. And those hideouts tend to change, but we always find new ones.
About a week ago I really fell apart. I think I lost my hideout...due to circumstance and my disregard for its necessity in my life. After almost an entire day of tears, frustration and pleading and yelling at God (yet, again)...I fell to the floor sobbing. Ev was having a very similar day. But, Ev came to me and we hugged. I told him what I've always wanted to say since this battle began. I told him how I was sad that he was sick and for what he has to go through.
I can't share everything I'd like to since he's only 4 years old, but it felt so good to be able to say something. It was an impossible conversation at 2 years old.
He cried a bit more hearing my heart's confession. We hugged and cried together on the floor of my closet. It felt raw like a fresh open wound and it felt so very healing at the same time.
That evening when life returned to a more normal state, Ev randomly looked at me and said, when I'm sad, you're sad and when you're sad, I'm sad. He said, when we are sad we hug and hugs mean I love you. (Yes!)
I take comfort in seeing Ev tucked away in his hideout as I confess to you all. And I take comfort that God responds to my tantrums every time and reminds me of His love for me and how that love can morf into anything that is needed. And continually our needs are met.
My hideouts aren't always known to me in the moment, but slowly I am catching on...aware of what some have looked like in the past 2 years. I don't have a little nook in the corner because God knows what Ev needs and what I need are not identical. My nooks, my hideouts, are often found among friends, family, moments with my husband and from an assortment of books.
God is loving and renewing us. And despite my short comings, God can see a heart that longs for Him. A longing that continues to grow.
